A letter to you.

I hope to every higher power in our galaxy that you read this.

I hope you know you are loved, cared about & worthy. Worthy of a life more than this. Worthy of success. Worthy of love. You are not doomed to this life. You are so smart, so caring, so insightful. You have always been there for me, regardless of the situation and I am forever here for you. I want to continue being here for you but not in the capacity you want me in. I cannot support or give pity to these struggles you are currently having. You have the world on your side but these demons are taking over. Changing you, and not for the better. You are losing yourself and it’s killing me.

How did this happen? Where did I go wrong to not have seen this coming? Is it because I moved away? Why did this happen? Where did I fail at preventing this from happening?

Part of me feels as if this is my fault. It’s your choices that lead you to this, but still… I feel guilty. You confided in me in the past but I played it off like it wasn’t that big of a deal. You’re smart, you can figure it out, this is a hurdle you have to get over and once you get over it that’ll be the end of it. We can all go back to our lives as if nothing had happened. No one will ever know.

I was wrong. 

These hurdles turned into hills, hills into mountains. Now you have an entire mountain range to travel and it’s going to be the hardest thing you ever have to do.  Even if or when you decide to start the climb up the first mountain, you will forever see another mountain in your path. For the rest of your life, you will be climbing mountains and it will forever be a struggle and I am so, so sorry for that. I will forever wish these were not the cards you have been dealt.

You know I’m a fixer. I want to come to you and fix all of this. I want to do everything I humanly can to make this better for you. I cant. This is one thing that I cannot fix. I can support you 100% in fixing this with you but I cannot make all the bad things disappear. I cannot support this habit or tell you it’s not a big deal anymore. It’s a life-changing deal. This is your life you are playing with. Your pulse. Your heart. Your being.  I can, however,  be your rock, your support system, your friend. I can call you every day to see where you are and how you are doing. I can give you all of the options in the world to get better, but you have to make the choice to actually get better. You have to see that this is an issue and accept that you need help.

It sucks asking for help. I know. It’s embarrassing and nobody likes to ask for it. It is, however, one of the biggest steps you will ever take to ridding yourself of these demons that continue to haunt and torture you. It will be the hardest step but I promise you, after you ask, things will begin to get easier. The demons will begin to go back into the dark. I will help you figure this out, but you have to be willing and ready for that help to happen.

You are worthy of help. Of support. Of love. 

I’m here for you, whenever you’re ready. Please don’t take too long though, I’m not sure how much longer you can survive at this pace.

I love you so much. 

-Tay

 

 

 

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