January 2nd, 2017
This day will forever be the day my life changed for the better.
Prior to January 2nd, I was tired. I was angry. I felt alone. I hated the way I felt about myself. I was constantly comparing my success, body image & emotional well-being to others, and I was sick of it. I hated the constant feeling of having to be perfect or damn near it. I read into every like, comment & look I received like people were staring into the depths of my soul and I hated the thought of what they were thinking.
Fake. Overachiever. Weird. Dumb. Ugly. Unworthy. Unlovable.
These thoughts were eating me alive. Going to work, I was afraid to speak up and voice my opinions. I’ve always been the listener with my friends and never liked to talk about how I was doing, or feeling. I hated the way I looked. I hated the way I felt. I was afraid to have real conversations with my husband, with my friends. I couldn’t fathom the thought of them judging the real me, so I covered it with superficial happiness. I was afraid of showing raw emotion. I was afraid of being me.
So I changed.
New Years 2017. I needed to have a resolution that would hold some true meaning to me. I needed something more than the typical Eat Healthy & Work Out resolutions I attempted & failed in years prior. I needed something real. Something raw. Something that would challenge every aspect of my life, because if we’re being honest, every aspect of my life needed to change.
So, I decided that 2017 was the year I was going to love myself. Every day.
How do you start loving yourself? What does it mean to love yourself?
This feeling will not last forever.
This resonated with me so deeply, that I often find myself using it as a mantra. “This is not permanent. This pain will not last forever.” Knowing this has changed the way I look at everything. If I am happy, I need to realize what I am doing to be happy and maintain it if I want that feeling to last longer. During hard times, knowing that it will pass, this is not forever. This is not who I am. During yoga, when a pose is hard and I mean real hard! Hard to the point where your body aches to come out of a pose and your whole body is shaking. Knowing the pain is not forever, and sometimes you have to experience a little bit of pain to see results and to grow.
I stopped caring what others think. I’m weird & I accept it. What others think doesn’t matter, nor does it determine how I live my life. This is hard. Probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to work on and continue to work on. Everyday.
Along with not caring what others think, I had to change the way I acted towards others. I need to be real, be raw, be me. I had to stop being superficial and start talking about my dreams, aspirations, my life. There is more to me than my career, more to me than the happy go-lucky person I was portraying myself to be. This is the time to show the world who I want to be, who I am.
I stopped waiting for tomorrow to make the changes I want to see today. Physically & Mentally I wanted to see so many changes and I have had this habit where I would put things off until tomorrow, and that tomorrow turned into another tomorrow and so on. The time to start was now. January 2nd. No later, no exceptions.
Yoga & Meditation. It’s not just physical. I have been practicing for 8 months now and this is the number 1 reason I have seen significant changes in my well-being; mentally, physically and all the in-between. I have much more to share about this part of my journey.
I started loving the journey. I had to accept that I wasn’t going to see changes over night, I wasn’t going to be doing headstands, getting into savasana, or losing weight right away. Loving the journey is hard, especially for people like me who want to see results right away. I used to have the mindset that if I wasn’t seeing the results immediately then it was a waste of time. 8 months in, I’ve seen minimal physical results but a multitude of emotional & spiritual results that I value dearly. Everything is part of the journey, enjoy it.
It’s okay to live a life others don’t understand. That’s the beauty of it. Make it your own. I’m on a path to enlightenment and every hurdle along the way will help me to grow into the person I am destined to be.
The best is yet to come