This week has brought me a whirlwind of emotions. I am now 25 weeks pregnant, meaning there are only 14ish weeks left of my pregnancy, 3.2 months or 90ish days. We are getting our To-Do list finalized for things that have to happen before Mr.Tierney’s arrival, and I’m beginning to feel overwhelmed.
Things like finishing the staircase to the basement so I feel safer carrying him down the stairs and he doesn’t fall through and break his skull. Finishing small projects around the house to make his arrival more comfortable, like redoing the upstairs living room AGAIN so we can lounge with him on a couch vs our sitting chairs (which to be honest, are NOT that comfortable now that I’m pregnant) We are also looking at having some artificial turf installed in the backyard so we no longer have to deal with all the mud the dogs trail into the house. That doesn’t even begin to touch on needing a new washer and dryer BEFORE we can redo the stairs as they won’t fit once we finish the stairs (our staircase is tiny!) Or the kitchen appliances, while they are all functional, they are starting to slowly fall apart and lose quality. We will need to put the nursery together, that will come with added projects as well. Painting, shampooing carpets, putting together furniture. The list is literally never-ending.
It’s all starting to add up. And financials aside, while I know this is a major stress point for my husband, I’m starting to freak the f*ck out!
Emotionally speaking, I am all over the place planning for this little guys arrival. Am I emotionally stable enough to care for a newborn & myself? Did I push my husband to have a child before he was ready? Are we going to resent each other after he is born? We live a pretty lavish lifestyle. Are we ready to give that up for weekends spent at home? I am over the moon excited for the challenge of raising a child and what kind of mother I will be but scared of the repercussions of doing so. Hearing about sleep training, breastfeeding woes, 4-6 weeks of bleeding after birth, babies waking up at 4 and 5 in the morning, temper tantrums and so on has me really questioning what I got us into. Let alone once this little guy is mobile and finding childcare for him. I suppose, whether we are ready or not, this baby is coming and we have a few short months to prepare as well as we can.
Speaking of childcare, another major stress point of mine; it’s expensive! We are lucky enough to both work from home the majority of the week, but once the baby is crawling/walking we will have to have some help. Waitlists are years long, finding someone you trust is the scariest thing I’ve ever had to think about & making sure we can afford someone is not even the tip of the iceberg.
I believe I’ve touched on this before, but we don’t have any family in Colorado. No grandparents, parents, cousins. It’s just us and the 2 pups. I am overly jealous of my friends having family near them that they can rely on for help. I know I am eventually going to appreciate not having family over all the time putting forward their opinions on raising a child and hovering, but I am also very sad that our child won’t have the opportunity to grow up with his cousins or get close with his grandparents. Selfishly, I am also sad I won’t have people I can call when I quite frankly, need a break. I am grateful we live in a day and age where technology will help to bridge this gap. We get to see our niece and nephew grow up over Snapchat and Facetime. I know we will be doing the same, to share accomplishments and milestones with our family back in Minnesota. Our world travels might come to an end for the foreseeable future and we will be making more trips to the midwest to attempt to create relationships with our son and family.
I’m depressed at the realization that I might not have a village.
I love being pregnant. I love the bump, I love feeling the baby move and talking to him. I’ve been so focused on enjoying my pregnancy I haven’t really had the chance to think or prepare for what comes next. I’ve done some reading, my friends have shared stories so I have an expectation but I have a feeling the real experience of bringing a baby home is nothing like what I’m expecting. I want to be a perfect mom. I know that’s an outrageous expectation to have for yourself because no one is perfect. Being a parent is hard, I get it. Doesn’t take away from me wanting to try. None of our friends in Denver have children, so I want to be the parent that can bring their child out for brunch and have him be all sweet and chill while we catch up… I have a feeling that is not going to be the case. Babies are wild! Does this mean I’m also going to be giving up brunches with my friends and become even more of a homebody than I am now? Maybe I’ll be okay with it. Maybe this is part of my life journey and going from super outgoing to someone that enjoys spending all of their time at home is part of it. Will my friends get annoyed with all the baby talk? Will I slowly be pushed out of their lives because we chose to have a child?
I’m so overly thankful for my husband and appreciate his willingness to give this parenthood thing a go. I know I’ve been stressing him out with our To-Do list, and multiple wants before the baby arrives. I know he’s giving up a lot to be there for me and our support this child. I know he’s not completely happy at his job and wants to make a career change but because I’m pregnant, we can’t afford for him to take a year or two off to go to schooling for what he wants to do. It’s literally making me cry while typing this out, how much it hurts that he can’t do what he wants right now because I pushed him into growing our family. It sucks. I feel guilty. I appreciate him telling me no on some of my outrageous requests and ensuring I’m thinking things through 100%. I know he hasn’t had a chance to really bond with the baby yet as he hasn’t felt any of the things I have. I’ve been connected to this baby since I knew I was carrying him inside of me. I cannot wait to see him hold our son for the first time and all the emotions that will bring… let’s just hope he doesn’t murder me before then.. totally joking!
Needless to say, I’m nervous about being a parent and all the things it will bring. If you’ve had similar emotions please share your experiences and how you overcame or adapted. I can’t be the only one having a freakout before bringing a child into the world.
The best is yet to come