So many firsts have happened in the past 3 months. First thoughts, first fears & first dreams of what the future will hold.
The first test was negative. I thought it was just another month of trying without success. I threw that test in the garbage receptacle and went along my day. We had been trying for a couple of months so it wasn’t a huge surprise. It takes time. It takes timing. I was fine with it. A week went by and I could tell something was off. My body was playing games with me. It knew how much I yearned for a positive so it was dragging out the inevitable monthly visit to confirm the empty womb I knew I had.
After talking with my dear friend, she suggested I take another test; just to be sure. I walked down to the local Walgreens during my lunch break, expecting to waste $20 on tests to learn what I already knew. I got back to my office & because I wasn’t expecting anything other than a negative, I decided to take the test in the restroom on my office floor. It wasn’t a minute after taking the test those 2 pink lines popped up. I was in shock! I FaceTimed my friend, told her her suspicions were true and cried tears of joy. It was the most surreal moment of my life. I got myself together, sort of; then walked back to my desk, grabbed my things and left. Without telling a soul where I was going.
I got into my car, still very much in shock. I decided I needed to go to Target to purchase the first onsie to present to my husband along with the first positive test. Cliche I know. During my drive, I called the birth center to give them the news and to save a spot for my due month. (they only take 15 due dates a month so it was vital to get on the list as soon as I found out) I will be doing a post on our choice to go to a birth center vs hospital for those who are interested.
I pulled into Target, with red puffy eyes and a feeling of disbelief. I walked around the baby section quietly sobbing to myself looking for the perfect onsie. I settled on one that says “I love my daddy & naps” bought some gift wrap, checked out and started the long drive home; wondering how my husband will take the news.
After getting home and settled, I ran downstairs to finish up the wrapping of the biggest gift I will ever give to him. He walked downstairs and before I could even begin to hand him the gift bag…he says
“You’re pregnant, arent you?”
WHAT?! How would he know! I’ve literally only told the birth center and 1 friend… I looked at him with wide eyes looking for a response. “You always call me on your way home from work, I knew something was up when you were home 5 hours early without a call” Well shoot.. there goes my idea of a grand gesture… He opened the bag and we embraced, I cried & he went back to work. It wasn’t grand. It wasn’t romantic but it was us and I will forever remember the day I told him we were pregnant with our first child.
Now, I was still in disbelief. What if this was a false positive? I went back to Walgreens and purchased 7 more tests, yes 7. I chugged what felt like a gallon of water and took all 7, all with those 2 pink lines or a digital Pregnant reading. It was indeed real, it was happening.
I downloaded the pregnancy tracking apps, that told you what size of fruit to compare your growing fetus to. I started on prenatal supplements & made my appointment with the midwife to confirm the little blob inside me would one day turn into a tiny human. A Tiny Being.
I am now sharing my body with someone I cannot wait to meet. Who will he/she be? What will he/she do with their life? Will I be a good mom? Will we be able to do this being so far away from our families? Will this child be everything I’ve dreamt he/she will be? Is there something wrong with the baby? How will I make it another month before I can go in and see him/her on the ultrasound to confirm a healthy babe? So many questions that will not be answered for what feels like a lifetime away.
Flash forward, I am now 8 weeks along. 2 months pregnant. Feel awful. Brushing my teeth has become the WORST part of my routine. Most foods sound awful (aside from fruits) & I feel like I can barely get out of bed. I can’t cook dinner. We order out 5 nights a week and the other 2 we eat frozen pizza or chicken tenders, which are pretty gross right about now. I feel like I’m in a permanent state of being hungover, without the gratification of having a fun story to tell from the night before. Bless my husband’s heart for not getting frustrated with loads of clean laundry left unfolded, the mounds of dishes left unwashed, & the dogs who so desperately needed some of my attention. Bless him for taking on as much as he could while I was stuck to the couch watching re-runs of Grey’s Anatomy and not saying a word for hours on end. He really is the best guy I could have ever asked to take this adventure with me. Seriously, the best.
It is now our first appointment day! We get to finally see our baby! We check-in to our appointment and get settled into the clinic room. It has a beautiful marble shower that we are told some laboring mothers use during their delivery at the birth center, a daybed filled with comfortable pillows and blankets, and pictures of newborns all over the walls. No medical equipment aside from a blood pressure machine. No gloves, no needles, no stirrups. The nurse came in asked us a few questions and asked to take my blood pressure. She asked me to close my eyes and she softly told me ” You are safe. You are worthy. You are exactly where you need to be.” She took my blood pressure and even with her reassuring words, I must have been anxious, as the results showed. We chatted for a bit and she went to get the midwife to start the rest of the appointment and hopefully see our baby. She warned us that sometimes it’s hard to get a good view if one at all this early on in the pregnancy. We gathered some typical information you would expect to get at a first prenatal appointment and then went into the ultrasound room. My heart was beating out of my chest. I don’t believe I had ever been more excited & nervous in my entire life. So many positive & negative thoughts were running through my mind. Please let this baby be okay and on track. Please let that tiny heart be beating. What will it look like? What will I feel?
It was magic. A little kidney bean shape appeared on the screen and my heart stopped. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t speak. I could see the little flicker of the heart beating furiously. The midwife pointed it out to my husband and I and asked me a handful of times if I could see it, all without my response. I was mesmerized. I was brought to a place filled with almost too much joy for one to consume. I for the first time, felt like a mother to this kidney bean. I never looked away, not even for a moment while she took a couple measurements to determine the due date and to see if everything was on track. She printed a couple of photos for us to bring home and we finished up. It’s hard to put into words the emotions I was feeling during that first ultrasound, but I will forever remember.
We finished up the appointment with some blood tests and scheduled out the next handful of months of appointments. I cannot wait for the second appointment, and the third and so one. Knowing this baby is growing healthy and right how it should be is the most assuring feeling in the world. I’ve never been a fan of hospitals or appointments but am now counting down the days until I get to go back to the birth center.
We are now 12 weeks along, the last week of the first trimester. I am surprised at how fast it went but how slow it seemed. I am finally feeling better, getting my energy back & have an appetite that seems more appropriate for “eating for two.” We just attended our first pregnancy class & are relieved at how much we CAN do and how we shouldn’t be living out of fear for the can’ts. I am more conscious about what I put into my body and listening to it more than ever. Things are different now. Things are new. This is a first, for me, for him, for this tiny human. Things are good.
Here is to the first trimester. I’m happy to have experienced you but SO happy to see you go. Now to look forward to first kicks, first baby accessories, and our first time getting to meet this tiny being, in January 2019. We cannot wait.
The best is yet to come